Ordinarily, celebrity stories are meant to make us envious. Tales of glamorous, wealthy people dining on fine foods and quaffing bank-account-draining beverages supposedly make us see the futility and meaninglessness of our lumpen existences, which we seek to fill by purchasing the goods and services our celebrity heroes endorse.
The same must obviously be the case for news that guests at ‘actor’ Ashton Kutcher’s 30th birthday party may have been exposed to hepatitis A at swank West Village bar Socialista. Nothing says Cuban socialism like a $600 bottle of Moët & Chandon Dom Perignon Rosé, an $8 appetiser made of lettuce or a 20% surcharge added to parties of six or more.
Celebrity guests including Mrs Kutcher Demi Moore, Javier Bardem, Roberto Cavalli, Eric Dane (who?), Rebecca Gayheart (zuh?), Salma Hayek, Catherine Keener, Lucy Liu, Madonna, Gwyneth Paltrow, Ivanka Trump and Liv Tyler would no doubt be horrified to discover the most common method of hepatitis A infection is the faecal-oral route.
One can’t help but wonder what kind of cocktails they serve there.
Actually, several hundred people who were not celebrities attended the same bar on the three nights the infected bartender was working, but who cares?
Upon reading this story, ordinary people will no doubt also wish they were inadvertently exposed to a virus that infects the liver, causing jaundice, fatigue, abdominal pain, loss of appetite, nausea, diarrhoea and fever.
New York health authorities have warned said celebrities to get a vaccination quick smart. (It should be noted the health department warned the non-famous patrons as well.) Though to be honest, if they didn’t, you can’t imagine the world would be worse off. Shame hepatitis A is almost never fatal.