Actually, I don’t

I’ve been told this a nerdish quality, but there are times when someone poses a rhetorical question that I find impossible not to answer. You may also remember in the past I have advocated the death penalty for R&B music, partly as an aesthetic disagreement but more because of the twisted values it imparts to young people.

Having switched the gym for the swimming pool, I no longer have regular opportunities to sample the latest contemporary children’s music. So this may be a little out of date, but I only recently came across this song, called Don’t Cha by the Pussycat Dolls.

The verse starts out with the singer addressing a man who, it rapidly becomes apparent, already has a girlfriend. The gist of her argument is that since it’s obvious we are attracted to each other, there’s no reason we should not fly in the face of however many thousands of years of human evolution through which we learned to defer or deny our animal impulses in order to achieve longer-term or loftier goals . . . and have sex. (But, you know, promoting infedelity is a great way to sell goods and services, so it’s an ideal line of thinking for an R&B song.)

Following this not particularly convincing argument, the singer continues to spruik her suitability as a sexual partner through a series of questions.

Don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

There are a number of things wrong with this question. First of all, I don’t have a girlfriend. I suppose if I did have one, ‘hotness’ would be a desirable quality. However, the question of whether I would my girlfriend to be hot like Nicole Scherzinger, lead singer of the Pussycat Dolls, is based on the presumption that she is hot. Personally I don’t believe she is exceptionally attractive. I’d prefer a partner who was hot in ways other than being thin, scantily dressed and overly made up. So while I’d like a girlfriend who was hot, I would not like a girlfiend who was hot like you. In short, no.

Don’t you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?

In the old days, calling someone a freak was an un-PC way of referring to some kind of physical deformity. Having examined photos of Ms Scherzinger quite carefully, she doesn’t appear to suffer from one . . . on the part that’s showing anyway. It’s possible she has a sideways vagina or something, but I doubt this would be something you’d want to advertise. Urban Dictionary tells us ‘freak’ is pejoratively applied to members of subcultures who define themselves as non-mainstream, such as Goths. Ms Scherzinger does not appear to be one. Urban Dictionary says another common meaning of the word ‘freak’ is a woman who is kinky and “likes to have sex alot and do weird stuff”. However, with the sort of degrading and ugly-misogynistic things that are considered kinky by today’s standards, I’d rather someone who wasn’t a freak in that sense.

Don’t cha
Don’t cha

This is just confusing. Why shouldn’t I have some Chinese or Japanese tea? Perhaps the songwriters were angling for a product placement from Starbucks. Either that or they have something against ballroom dancing.

Don’t you wish your girlfriend was raw like me?

It is true I would prefer a raw girlfriend to one who has been cooked, but frankly I resent the implication that I would be involved in some sort of weird cannibalistic sex ritual. ‘Raw’ can also mean unrefined; call me a snob, but I prefer someone who knows which fork to use in a fancy restaurant. Unless this refers to ‘raw’ in the sense of being severely chafed, which really doesn’t sound all that appealing, but may have something to do with the possible genital abnormality I have already mentioned.

Don’t you wish your girlfriend was fun like me?

Look, you seem like a nice girl and all, but I’d really prefer a girlfriend whose idea of fun doesn’t involve trying to steal other women’s boyfriends by making a series of unflattering comparisons.

Don’t cha
Don’t cha

And I think we’ve already covered this line of questioning. So unless you have some more convincing arguments than that you are a dubiously attractive woman who isn’t cooked, doesn’t like tea and possibly has a genital deformity, I will have to bid you good day and stick with my current girlfriend. Whenever I meet her.

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One thought on “Actually, I don’t

  1. Hi Shannon Noll.

    I’am a big fan of you. I’am doing a project about u and won’t to know if u have any kids.My name is Brianna but i like the name Bree iam 10 thank u.

    From your big fan Bree

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