Ride the consumer wankfest all the way to hell

Everyone who’s been to a conference or awards night of some description will be familiar with the bag of (usually heavily branded) thoctchkes the event’s sponsors give away. Celebrity guests at the upcoming MTV Video Music Awards will receive a set of slightly less tacky freebies, the details of which can be found in this press release. Here are 10 reasons why this press release signals the imminent collapse of Western society:

  1. The use of the word “gift” as a verb, as in “Actifirm will be gifting”.
  2. Mangled grammar, as in “Bespoke Labs T3 is offering their Narrow Wet-or-Dry-iron”.
  3. The oxymoronic phrase “fashion necessities”. Fashion is, by definition, not necessary.
  4. The Bacardi team of noted mixologists (who make cocktails, apparently).
  5. American celebrities are so dumb they don’t realise Burberry has been made utterly unfashionable by chavs in the UK.
  6. Dean Markley will supply recipients with all their personal string needs. Such as . . . ?
  7. Lulu has gifted a special edition Biker Chic Oversized Hobo bag. Hobos and bikers are fashionable now? (See #3)
  8. Oscar de la Renta can’t decide whether his name should be spelled Oscar De La Renta or Oscar de la Renta. (It’s the second one, if one is to be technically correct.)
  9. Shay Todd’s luxurious hooded terry tunic is apparently one of an entire line of “seductive” designs. Nothing says sex to me more than a hooded tunic, I’m sure you’ll agree.
  10. This is an advertisement, not a media release. Aside from a brief mention in MTV’s advertorial (which is sure to get plenty of coverage in serious publications like the Sydney Morning Herald), these vendors are willing to give away thousands of dollars worth of kit or services in the hope that some vapid celeb type like, say, Axl Rose, Jessica Simpson, Diddy or the cast of Jackass will be witnessed wearing/using said products/services. This will, of course, make them the envy of all us lumpen punters who will fork our too much of our aspirational hard-earned purchasing said G/S to emulate our heroes. Meanwhile, people in societies who don’t have MTV or marketing spend their time and effort on more useful stuff like buying guns and learning how to make bombs. Which they will use on us because they call us decadent. Now where would they get an idea like that?

5 Comments Add yours

  1. SM says:

    You’d think the organisers of the schwag would be a little more careful about choosing only sponsor for each product/service type. How many different digi media players and yoga regimes do the pixel perfect need anyway? Mind you, I’d love to see Sifu Shi Yan Ming kick their candy arses of any of them daring to turn up for a private lesson.

  2. SiobhanC says:

    Write more, Vealmince. We miss you.

  3. dogvanya says:

    What is so upsetting is that people like these give people like me a good name. Sense is not to be made it’s to be sensed for goodness christ.

    I’ve written an overlong article on brain interfacing that’s badly in need of editing if you need something to…. take your mind off… ahhh, no.


  4. Gramanarchist says:

    Who cares? Language is always morphing. Today’s grammatical rules are in tomorrow’s Antiquated History of the English Language.

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