Picking at scabs

Poor Avril Lavigne. Despite earning gazillions by shouting tunelessly and looking sulky a lot, she still finds giving media interviews intensely frustrating because “she can’t be bothered to hide her boredom and can’t think of much to say to stoopid questions that she’s heard, like, a million times before”. She tends to spend “most of the time staring at the floor, unravelling threads from her clothing and picking at scabs”.

Thank heavens the science of journalism has been advanced by some bloke called Tim Cooper, who decided the trick to interviewing Lavigne would be to get his 12-year-old daughter to ask the questions.

Budding journo that she is, Lily is not afraid to tackle the hard issues: what’s the best thing about being Avril Lavigne? What’s the worst thing? What is your music about? What do you like to eat? What do you like to wear?

Miraculously, these appear to be non-stoopid questions she hasn’t heard, like, a million times before. The Cooper family’s experiment works and we are blessed with Avril’s innermost thoughts on these vital subjects:

“I eat really healthy most of the time, but I definitely pig out sometimes! It’s important you’ve gotta live life a little so I do eat fast food every once in a while. But 90 per cent of the time I eat a vegan diet.”

“I don’t do honey because it’s full of sugar and sugar’s not good for you.”

“I just feel really lucky ‘cos I’m getting to do what I want and I’m a success. And you get free clothes! And sometimes you get special treatment: like you go to a club and don’t have to wait and pay like everybody else ‘cos they want you there. But I’m not really a scene-y person.”

“I think I have an attitude in my songs where it’s like: I’m fine, I’m OK, I’m not gonna take any crap. Every song says, ‘I’m gonna be strong about this and I’m gonna move on’.”

Just think, without Tim Cooper’s groundbreaking media experiment, these philosophical marvels may never have been revealed to a world desperate for hope and meaning in these trying times. Thanks Tim, I hope the Walkley committee will give your work the recognition it truly deserves.

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